I've noticed something again...

Sitting here at my computer thinking about everything I've dealt with over the past few months I've come to many realizations.  SOme I'm going to keep to myself because they are a little more private and embarassing than I'm willing to put out there just yet.

One of them is that some of the people I consider friends at one of the places I hang out with are not really friends.  They dont treat me like someone they'd like to spend time with.  In fact, I have been picking up an undertone of grumbling and disliking of the fact that I came in for a meal.  Am I that horrid of a person?  Or have I become what I was afraid of being?

Years ago, when I was in college, actually just before I graduated, when I went into a popular 24 hour study hangout, I saw an older gentleman.  He was sitting alone eating his dinner and reading a worn paperback book.  He was quiet and generally was ignored by everyone who worked there.  After an hour or so working I happened to look up and see him pay his bill and shuffle out.  He looked defeated and overly sad.

When I came home tonight, I looked in the mirror as I washed up after using the bathroom.  I saw that man.  I realize when I go out and do things, I am alone.  Now sometimes that's okay, but recently I discovered that I am back to being very depressed and lonely.  I've tried to date and have gone out with a few really nice women whom I could see myself dating more.  But they lose interest in me after a few dates and give me the "Let's be friends" line.  My life has become a cliche of everyone telling me I'm a great catch and me never getting caught, so to speak.

I'm not sure how much more I should write.  Anyway...thanks for reading.  I'm going to sleep now.

Interesting observation

I went out to dinner tonight at one of my favorite places.  Since it's one of my favorite places, I know most of the servers there.  So...since it's the V-day, I brought some cupcakes I made.  I wanted to show them that even though they were working on V-day someone cares enough to make them something special instead of buying something premade.  When I came in, I was welcomed by the hostess and she asked me about the goodies I brought.  As I was allowing her to pick one of the goodies, two of the drunk pricks sitting at the bar made remarks about me.  They said the only way I get any attention is to bring things in for the girls there.  It bothered me.  Seriously.

But, as I was munching down on my dinner, I had a thought.  I realized I chose to come in and eat.  These pricks who made me feel bad seem to only come in, drink beer (a lot) and leer at the servers.  I tend to go and eat, usual bringing a book or something else to read.  I eat, am very quiet and talk to the girls, not at their boobs like the guys who made fun of me.

So who is the freak?  The person who treats the girls with respect and doesn't really take up much space or a bunch of drunk pricks who get off hitting on girls and acting like dickheads?  Sometimes reality doesn't fit.  I'm just saying...

3 faces of a person

Here's something that I've been figuring out over the past couple of hours of non-sleep:

we all are 3 different people.  Each of us has 3 distinct personalities.  Here are my discriptions:

1) the public face - everyone has a public face they put out when they are in public.  typically it is the face we show strangers and people we just meet.  It is the face of the hidden person, but the one we hope we are.

2) the personal face - this is the one that all our friends and people who know us see.  it is the one that allows us to have a more relaxed sense of being and those who know us can see more of the real us.

3)the private face - this is the one you only show yourself.  it is the face that shows all your insecurities, private thoughts and fears.  This is our true face.  The one that shows who we are.

Everyone hides who we really are.  Only those of us who have courage continue to try and incorporate all 3 faces into one true example of who we really are.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  More later.

Another weekend gone

Well, it's another Sunday night and I am reviewing my accomplishments since last Friday.  Total accomplishments...0.  Looks like I have wasted another wonderful weekend.  I did a lot of thinking and still don't know what my life is supposed to be doing.  I think I'm supposed to just take up some space and feel like crap all the time.  Who knows?  No one seems to be reading me so I guess this is a cathartic memoir of what I'm going through as I try and figure out who and what I am becoming.

Anyway, I am off for now.  Peace!

the funny thing...

I've noticed a funny thing in my life recently.  I don't quite fit in.  I exist on the edge of everything.  Today was my 6 year anniversary in being employed with the state.  When I first started, it was all new and amazing.  Now, it's old and sorta boring.  Nothing seems to fit anymore.  My clothes, my perceptions of the job, everything.  I feel like I'm in a box of some sort and have limited access to reality or am blocked from seeing what's around me.

after my birthday last week, I thought that some things would make sense and I would be able to go out and feel better about myself.  if anything, I feel more lost and alone than ever before.  My dad and step mom expressed concern and worry about me and want me to get out and meet people.  I agreed with them because I didnt want to fight.  I keep asking myself how do I fit in with people when I dont understand them.  I can talk to people about payroll taxes and business things but ask me to relate to people about normal everyday things and I am absolutely lost.

Well, I've rambled on for a while about my insecutrities a little.  Let me know what you thing, if anyone is reading my thoughts.