Sitting here at my computer thinking about everything I've dealt with over the past few months I've come to many realizations. SOme I'm going to keep to myself because they are a little more private and embarassing than I'm willing to put out there just yet.
One of them is that some of the people I consider friends at one of the places I hang out with are not really friends. They dont treat me like someone they'd like to spend time with. In fact, I have been picking up an undertone of grumbling and disliking of the fact that I came in for a meal. Am I that horrid of a person? Or have I become what I was afraid of being?
Years ago, when I was in college, actually just before I graduated, when I went into a popular 24 hour study hangout, I saw an older gentleman. He was sitting alone eating his dinner and reading a worn paperback book. He was quiet and generally was ignored by everyone who worked there. After an hour or so working I happened to look up and see him pay his bill and shuffle out. He looked defeated and overly sad.
When I came home tonight, I looked in the mirror as I washed up after using the bathroom. I saw that man. I realize when I go out and do things, I am alone. Now sometimes that's okay, but recently I discovered that I am back to being very depressed and lonely. I've tried to date and have gone out with a few really nice women whom I could see myself dating more. But they lose interest in me after a few dates and give me the "Let's be friends" line. My life has become a cliche of everyone telling me I'm a great catch and me never getting caught, so to speak.
I'm not sure how much more I should write. Anyway...thanks for reading. I'm going to sleep now.
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